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Red Flags [Oct. 24th, 2007|04:54 am]
Strange days upon us...
The phrase for the moment is "I feel like Atlas with the weight of the world on my shoulders," which is not to say that I have that many problems compared to my friends, but I have a tendency to empathise, and that can at times be a double-edged sword. Between best friends moving out of state, friends with relatives dying, friends getting laid off, friends quitting their jobs, friends with no car, friends sitting home alone at night, friends with painful physical ailments, and friends who just don't seem to have any hope for this world...well as I said, they're not MY problems, but that doesn't mean I don't wake up at night.

Insomnia reigns. I don't sleep, because sleep is the cousin of death. I left yesterday morning, saw a red flag on the mailbox. Who mails letters anymore? I woke up around 3:45 this morning, couldn't sleep so I got in the car and drove. I saw a red flag on the mailbox outside. Who mails letters anymore?

I'm not one to think of dreams as prophecy, that is to say that I wish that I could believe in it but I just don't see it happening. Which is a good thing for now, because lately my dreams have been morbid, which again probably has more to do with all this negative energy coming around. If my dreams portend something real...ah who am I to judge? Life and death are two sides of the same coin.

But they don't. And my life isn't that bad. In fact, some really positive things (and people) are in it, and for that I am grateful.

I probably just think too much.
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Help Plz K Thx [Oct. 12th, 2007|10:32 am]
I'm looking for a good book for understanding Japanese sentence structure. Any ideas?
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The Umbra Lifted [Oct. 7th, 2007|10:57 pm]
My weekend-don't ask, I'll tell you.

I spent Saturday working on my car. It sucked because people are too lazy to do their jobs right the first time, but I got it sort of done, well enough at any rate. I don't know if anything's been made better for it, but that's what I did. My arms are covered in cuts, which I didn't feel at the time but have left lots of little marks on me. Little memories, things that could grow into scars if I let them, leave me with a canvas of stories either real or imaginary, all through something that didn't hurt and was sort of productive. At least it wasn't a total loss. I like staring at the cuts, reminders of living. People whose skin is flawlessly smooth and soft are interesting to me for about a minute, but a topography of flaws makes for an interesting afternoon of exploration.

You know, it's kind of unfortunate that technological advances have made our lives more convenient, and yet made them just as bad through heightened expectations. Take the telephone for example. Even in its original incarnation as a party line, there were problems getting calls through. Then we developed the individual system, which eliminated waiting for lines to an extent but the added assumption that one would be in your house lead to things like telemarketing, and the assumption that just because you get a call it must be worth your while to pick up. Then there was the answering machine, blah de blah, now there's cell phones. We're always connected, we know who is calling, we can talk to them whenever we want. But at what cost? I understand that in practice this may seem like an unrealistic requirement on my part, but it really pisses me off when I call someone and they don't bother to call me back. I mean, your phone is right there, I'll know that you got the phone call if it rings at all (because it would go straight to voicemail if it was shut off). If you can't be bothered to call back at SOME POINT...what, am I SO unimportant to you, do I not enter your thoughts for the MINUTE or less it would take to make a call, at SOME POINT in the day? What does that say about you, or me for that matter?

I know it's unreasonable, I try my best to let it slide but it's how I think.

I also know that people read this, and choose not to comment. I know that I am guilty of the same thing; I don't know what to say, or I don't feel like saying something: this is normal. But it doesn't stop me from imagining that no one listens to a word I say anymore. I could talk about personal mutilation or violent acts and possibly, I might imagine, no one would bat an eye. Growing up I was taught that those who make threats about killing themselves or whatever were doing so out of a desire for attention rather than any sort of actual desire to end their lives. I think at this point that I wouldn't be able to recognize a real cry for help if it slapped me in the face. I don't know, I've also gotten worse at giving a shit about other people. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I came into my game today to find that two of the players decided that they had better things to do than play in my game. That they had to choose between spending their free time doing something ostensibly more productive or spend it with me and my game. They chose the former. I don't know what's wrong with the way I do things. I mean, they barely played at all, didn't give it a chance, and already they're bored and want to quit? Was it THAT bad? They seemed to be having fun the last time we played, which granted was a month ago (damn vacations). I just see doors closing everywhere. I don't know what to do now.

I know that a few years ago, if I read the above passages I'd have wanted to console the writer. Today, I think that I would be compelled to shun them from my life. So why am I doing this? I don't know. I guess...lack of options. No, there's always the option to hide yourself away. Maybe because this was supposed to be a soundboard for my thoughts, and I let it become deluded. Maybe I want you to know who this person is, make sure that you really want me as a friend. Some things are easier to tell the wall than to someone's face.
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Something Awful [Oct. 4th, 2007|02:06 am]
Why can't I sleep?

Over the weekend, there were several nights where I would get four hours of sleep, go to bed around 6 am and wake up at 10 am and not be able to go back to sleep, and not really feel that tired. I think this may have something to do with video games, but I couldn't tell you what.

Also it might have something to do with not smoking cigarettes in two weeks. I'm still not having any cravings (well that's not entirely true, today I had this tremendous urge for one but it was brief and I squashed it fairly quickly), but I have noticed a few um...nervous twitches that have returned. I have this tendency to type out what people are saying to me in the palms of my hands; now that I've brought this up you'll probably notice it and it will bother you...whatever. I can't help it. My mother did something similar with sign language, guess it's genetics. Whatever.

Sleep sleep sleep! I need it, I've got to get up early tomorrow to pick up some mail from the post office...what a fucking hassle. Well it's not, but I just don't want to be inconvenienced. Must be nic-fitting. Haha, I can't blame everything on nicotine. Eventually the headaches will go away.

It's amazing what things smell like. You forget this.


People sure are scummy.
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But You and I (Will Never Die) [Sep. 26th, 2007|07:39 pm]
The other day I watched this film called What the #*^$^ Do We Know? - Down the Rabbit Hole, which was basically this brief dip into quantum theory and then a long talk about a sort of pseudo-scientific ethos...at any rate, the main thrust of the program was that reality is shaped by our desires and perceptions of reality, and that one can actually shape one's reality through concentrated force of will. I decided to give it a shot, because my shoulder was killing me and as always my left ear was giving me issues. I don't really bring it up that much anymore, but for almost two years my left ear has hurt and been congested in some way. I've been to a few doctors and basically they had me on various antibiotics to little effect, to the point that I just got fed up with it and said "fuck it". So anyway, as I lied in bed that night, I focused my thoughts on repairing my shoulder and fixing my ear, that they were going to be healed and that I would be able to hear again. I woke up the next day, and my shoulder didn't hurt. And then over the next day or so, I noticed that I was hearing things a lot better than before. Now it's not perfect; my shoulder still hurts sometimes and sometimes my ear feels a little weird, but man it's so nice to be able to hear again. I bring this up not because I'm trying to convert you to some new crazy religion, but to point out what caused the thrust of my thoughts before sitting down to write.

At any rate, what has captured my mind lately is how much music has re-filled my life. I think that at a certain point in any person's life there's a certain well, almost mystical connection with their souls and the music around them. Like other forms of entertainment we attribute certain time periods to certain stimuli, and periods of personal happiness (or tragedy) carry their own unique soundtrack. I think that music is particularly potent because if anything it's so omnipresent. I doubt you will find a tree-hugging hippy who, while they may not have a television set or computer, will at least own a guitar or some other means of making music. Even Rastas, who reject the idea of possessions, will "own" a radio. Music in the general sense touches everyone, and has touched everyone's ancestors for a much longer time period than any other entertainment medium. So there is at some point in a person's life a "soundtrack" to their memories. I can remember an Oasis album (yes, I'll admit it) that dominated a particularly good summer of mine, and whenever I hear "Champagne Supernova" or really anything off of What's the Story (Morning Glory) I think of the summer. I'm not sure exactly when (and I can't say it started when my hearing faded) I had lost that mystical touch with music. And now I'm hearing things like I've heard them for the first time and it's just...I feel alive again.

There are many things in my life that are in flux. After tomorrow, several large portions of my life are going to be removed and re-arranged, and thinking about that reminds me of just how much has changed over the years. Even with this site, I'm not sure if hardly anyone on my friends list even reads this anymore, most of them hardly post if at all. It's strange, but well...I guess that's life.

I was reminded as well yesterday that our lives are just so short, and how even beyond the scope of our own lives, just how short in the cosmic sense everything we hold important lasts. It was a little sad, but also reassuring. I'll continue on anyway.
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Billy West [Sep. 24th, 2007|10:25 pm]
Ah anime con, sweet anime con.

I had a good time. It seemed that the crowd was a little bigger than last year, the events were spaced out a little better (with the exception of the costume contest, which really should have been opposite something with similar drawing power so it wasn't such a clusterfuck). I brought a new friend along, rackletackle, and I was glad to have her company.

This year I didn't buy as much anime as I did in previous years. My big purchase this year was the first season of Child's Toy. I don't know why I felt like I needed this one so badly, but I did and there it was and well...it's a good anime! Don't judge me! No, I spent more money on stuff like a messenger bag with a bunch of awesome swords on the front. ALso I learned a lot about the art of Bento and now I want a bento box, but the only ones they had were pretty childish. I'm a big guy, I need a big bento!

But really what's an anime con about if not for the people? Well they didn't disappoint: that is to say, they were there. Lots of them. So much so that there was a concentrated effort to direct traffic; it was bizarre. I always have mixed feelings about dealing with the crowds of freaks in situations like this. I mean, I'm an odd person, you'd think that I'd feel like I was in my element in a crowd of pink hair and furry costumes. Still, I couldn't help but feel at times like despite our similar interests I was alone in a sea of smiling faces and playful banter. It's times like that I really don't want to be by myself, which thankfully wasn't often the case. Aside from Rackle and my usual con cohorts, I ran into gothiqroze hawking some rather fun calendars, as well as a couple friends from the local comicbook shop. Really, I never seemed to run into these people in previous years, and there they were *poof*.

So yeah, good times, found some cool new things to be capitalistic over. Not nearly enough new interesting anime, but I can let that slide for one year at least.
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Smokin an Drinkin [Sep. 17th, 2007|10:18 pm]
Ever have one of those days?

My day was strange...and I had lots of things running through my head today, things I wanted to put here but those are all gone, in favor of this important event:

Robert Jordan is dead.

Not only is he dead, he died in the process of writing the LAST MOTHER FUCKING BOOK in his impossibly long Wheel of Time series.

That series and I have a history. Well, sort of. See, I started reading it when there were three books out (around 1997?) and thoroughly enjoyed them. I read through most of the series, but honestly with so much time between books (and the books being incredibly massive) I kind of lost interest. Honestly I had no idea how much longer the series was going to take, and apparently I quit with about two books to go. Damn.

But come one, his last few books covered so little ground, it was like five different stories all saying, "Ain't it funny how men do this and women do this?" That may be harsh, but that's how I felt when I put the last book down.

And now he's dead. He's got a backup writer to finish it up, but it's like...damn. The timing is just...wow.

So anyway, my day was indeed strange. I woke up dizzy and in a cloud, which lasted till about 1 pm. Another weird thing was I kept seeing people in public that I thought was someone I knew but turned out not to be. I mean, this happened three times today in three different places. Strange. I didn't eat lunch, but as it turned out it was ok because I wasn't hungry until about the time that I left work. Took it home, got some Chik-Fil-A, threw in some laundry, did some job hunting, made some food for lunch tomorrow...pretty productive for me; usually when I get home from work I can't do anything but stare at a computer screen.

Saturday my friend Will brought over the Yamaha street bike that he had just bought. I gotta tell you, the thing looks really sexy, and it makes me want one. I've always loved motorcycles, but been kind of wary about driving something that doesn't have a few feet of metal between me and the road. But I dunno, I've been so blase lately it might be just the thing I need to get into right now. We'll see, I don't exactly have the money right now anyway.

So smokin an drinkin? Because I just lit up a cigarette and opened my beer bottle with a lighter (my newest skill I acquired Labor Day weekend).
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It Was, Really [Sep. 13th, 2007|10:42 pm]
Today was a beautiful day.

Today it rained, really rained, really hard for the first time in really months around here. It was glorious. I got drenched of course, on the way to the car, despite my umbrella. It's still raining, which is even better news.

I stopped off at the local game store before heading over to the movie theater. We played a few rounds of Soul Caliber, something I haven't played in probably a year, and it showed. I still gave a fair showing though. Then I went to the theater and saw the movie Shoot 'Em Up on someone else's dime, although I did pay for movie food, which pretty much pays for the ticket but whatever, I was fed and entertained for the price of one, not a bad deal. It's a fun movie, pretty straightforward really, some really over the top moments but yeah it's just like that.

I had to stop off at work again to print out some reports. It's nice though, to walk into work and for a change not be accosted by nine different people. Tranquility, that's the word for today. It was nice.

And now I'm home again, rapidly drying off in sweatpants and a t-shirt. Comfortable in a way that has eluded me for quite some time.

It's just nice.
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Elephants Wear Boots, You Gotta Believe Me [Sep. 6th, 2007|01:04 am]
This weekend I spent with my brother, watching anime and playing Wii. It was awesome. Also I finally got caught up on my sleep for the first time in probably months, which I'm sure is going to be lost over the course of this week.

My boss was pissed at me today for forgetting to take the Fed-Ex deliveries to a different location than I normally do last night. I mean yeah he told me that morning that I was supposed to put them somewhere else, but damnit I forgot! We were so busy yesterday, and Wednesday was no different. I'm really just sick of my job, sick of dealing with greedy air conditioning guys, stupid corporate bullshit, idiotic co-workers, unfair expectations, all that shit.


One of my former co-workers was fired a few weeks ago. I talked to a friend of hers the other day and she's destitute; she can't find a job anywhere and despite having some money from alimony is barely getting by, already her phone is off and her power too. It's really scary. I'm trying to find other options while I still do have a job, but I'm really worried about either getting fired over something stupid or me just getting pissed off at something stupid and quitting and then just not having any options.

At least I have music on my side. Tonight we worked on some acoustic stuff, and I'm starting work on a grindcore album about anime freaks that I'm hoping to have done in time for the anime con-something to pass out as part of our whole group concept and a little bit of humor on my part. That makes me feel good.

Man I just read over the last few paragraphs and...I swear I'm not gloomy all the time. I swear. I just didn't have anything to say when things are going well I guess. But everything's fine, everything will be fine eventually, I just gotta keep trying.

Is the new Dr. Who any good? I just really can't bring myself to give it a chance.
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You Posted Six Days Ago [Jul. 28th, 2007|11:59 pm]
I had this weird daydream today of falling forward into someone's body (their face was distorted) and just slowly melting into them, being consumed and losing even losing my identity. It felt right, warm and comforting, like being wrapped in a thick blanket.

I can't wait for cold weather to come back. I know people always say that during the summer, but I'm much more of a cold weather person, it's true. I want to be an inchworm, wrapped up in layers of blankets, free of the necessity of movement. Screw that, I'd just like to hibernate for a month or so. Whatever, bring the falling leaves already.

I spent the day playing video games, something that I haven't done in a while. I've been such a good little social boy lately, today I was just lazy and didn't want to leave the house, not even for food (thankfully there was always someone there to bring me something to eat). In retrospect, it was pretty nice...I think it would have been nicer if no one was home though. Even now my roommate and his dad are here and I really don't know what to say to them. Oh well, thankfully there's the internet.

Life is frustrating. I know it's nothing new or profound, but I suppose it occasionally bears repeating. At least that's what's bothering me today.
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